pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
