Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
