Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
