She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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