Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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