Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
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