I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
