I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Randomize
