Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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