your parents love me but you hate me
If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
