Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
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