The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
you had me at cake vodka
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
If I die, sorry about rent.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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