I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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