Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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