i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
