What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Randomize