five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
