you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Randomize
