Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
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