Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I'm both gender and math confused
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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