then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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