I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize