You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
