Are we in a gay sports bar?
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Randomize
