a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Randomize
