I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
I faked an abortion last night.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
