I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
