Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
this is an emotional support booty call
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Randomize