Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
i came on her dog
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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