so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize