My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
My ATM looks so different sober.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Randomize
