Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
