The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
How naked do you want me to be?
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
His nipple licking is glorious
Randomize
