Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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