Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
