Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
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