I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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