Michael Bay diarrhea
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
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