I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
