dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
