HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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