When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Randomize
