I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Randomize