I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
So many bounce houses so little time
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
