I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
