There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Randomize
