I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
