I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Randomize
