can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Text me some of your sweat
Randomize
