If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Randomize
