I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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