We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
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