I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
