if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
