I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Randomize
