I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
