then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
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