I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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