there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
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