a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
